the day / a friend

today is going by fast,, which is good..

i got to keep looking for a new job, but its hard as hell out there looking for work..

but i spoke to a friend today on the phone,, hes going thru some shit in his personal life.....the man has his hands full..

i was like talking to this guy, since hes the few artist friends i have... sometimes when u talk to people who are not the artistic field, or is going after for an artistic career, its hard for the them to relate to u..
they think u can just be creative on the spot,, and believe me i can, i` drop it like its hot ,,lol... but internally , we all search for something meaningful in our art,, and sometimes finding that ,, or getting to a point that you can create from within,, its sometimes the most diffcult.. but talking to this guy, he gets that... theres a common link there....

why am i writing this?,, well i have nothing to do at work at the time..

i dont want to get into this person personal stuff, but i feel for him, cause alot of things in his life sometimes prevent him from doing what he does best,,, his art...

but i hope things work out for him,,

other then that im sitting her at work, thinking about my own career and jump starting it again...im finishing up some projects and just really foucsing on my art...so basically im saying,, i feel for the guy,, and im glad i have someone in my life pursing art with me..

ahh life,, aint it grand..

been thinking

recent events got me thinking in my life....

talks with friends, talks with my bosses,, etc, etc....

while cleaning my apartment today,, a weekly ritual that i do...i sometimes enjoy it, like if i was cleaning my soul out, and starting over ,lol,, ok lets get to the point...

so i was thinking,, im doing everything in my life, except being a photographer, which is what i want to do with my life..

i write, i play music, i do design jobs, a whole bunch of things,, everything under the sun,, but photography..

so while i was cleaning, i start to run things thru my head,, and i came up with ,, im going to drop everything and just live and breath photography...something i haven't done since college...

nothing else that im doing in my life is helping my photography directly.. and i know everyone enjoys my other projects but, at the end i have to live with the choices i make...

for example one thing i was trying to do was start a band to fulfill my music needs,, but i thought i was going at it with people, but i ended up running everything myself , and i cant depend on people sometimes ,, so i have to put that at the back burner for awhile..

so now just got to live , breathe , photography to get things going,
now that i know that so many people in my life ,depend, and are looking at what do i do..

i mean i`ll still will do other things that peak my interest,, like music and witting, but i will do it at a level that im only involved ,, and not to depend on people for it , and do it at a smaller level at this point..

time is moving fast,, i have alot of catching up to do

(what u think h-boogie??? ,,lol)

my boy

talking to my boy online,, h-boogie..

i feel for him...

i guessing hes going thru some shit,, hard to get into his mind sometimes, i think he has like a shield there ,lol..

but i know hes just graduated from college, and its scary,,im thinking thats what its effecting him..

knowing that theres no more school,,that all there is left is your life, and its front of you, you cant hide from it... but i know u want to..

cause when i graduated college,, i tell u i freaked out for a long time, i went into a cave and didnt talk to noooooooo one for a good couple of months, just because i couldnt handle the pressure of real life, i couldnt handle that now i have to face life, that everyday i had to make something for myself,, cause in school u get use to people telling u what to do.,, not anymore,, now its up to u,,

thats why i create projects for myself,, to keep myself busy or else i go mad...

so hang in there H,, i feel u,, i understand,, and if u need someone to talk to ,, im here,, might have to duct tape my mouth shut,,lol be im here, and always will be,,, hey we gotten this far.:-)

my worth

today was a hint of what my worth is at this office...

today a telephone man came in to see about installing new phone system in my office,, so they asked the girls to come in and see the new phones and if they have questions,, so i came in with them ,,naturally, since i answer the god damn phones in this place,, they dont... so basically any questions i had, my boss told the guy , listen dont answer his questions,, and just asked the girls,,, so i guess my opinion dont matter....
now i know this already,, but it just hurts to really see it happen in front of your face. im like what the fuck man.. so i just left and sat down,,, and im thinking,. IM THE ONE WHO ANSWER THE PHONES THE MOST, THEY DONT,, 9 OUT OF 10 I PICK IT UP,, IM THE ONE WHO DIRECTS THE CALLS,, SO WHY NOT ASK ME, OR AT LEAST SHOW THEM TO ME..

it might be small ,,but its another notch to me that why i have to leave this poor excuse for a job,,, even though its a cushy job, since i am now sitting in my boss;s desk on the computer....

the talk__________

so its wednesday, so at my office that means we go out for chinnese, a weird tradition,, but hey.
the girls in the office dont go with us, so its just me and my two bosses who go out to eat. now the food aint that great, but my main reason to go is to try to get that out of office bond with my bosses to get on there good side,, since when we are there we all turn into "guys", we talk about women,talk about the game ,, etc ,etc...

so we started talking about my dad retiring from the office,, he works with me at the office,,, so they were talking about expanding the business maybe taking on a few more buildings ( i work in real estate by day ) so they talking about expanding, and they might need more room, and even hire some people to help out....

so sitting there i was like, ok where do i fit into all of this,, so i was scared to ask, but i said what the hell,, so i said "how do i fit into this picture of the future" ,,, so they looked at me, like and said ok lets talk,, what are plans ,, what are doing with your life ,,etc etc,..questions about i always avoid,, since its more of family kind of situation at work, since ive kinda grown up with the company since my dad worked there for 25 plus years...

so i ran around the question,and gave them my plans, which of course they dont understand,, ( i want to be a photographer, in case u guys wanted to know -- and heres my website http://www.robayo.com shamless plug ;-) )but i told them my plans, etc.. and they were like ,, well how long u been out of college and what u done so far to get there... and i really i didnt have an answer for them..

what have i been doing,, i have taken pictures , but i really have done nothing to purse what i wanted.. and part of the reason that i didnt ,was my mom, who was sick for the past 2 years, and was in and out of the hospital with heart and a really bad ear infection that required brain surgery of sorts,, so i didnt want to take a chance with money,, i didnt want to change jobs, i didnt want to change my lifestyle to much, cause to be honest with u i was scared,, i was scared that i wouldnt have money to support my mom etc..

but was i wasting those 4 years out of college, i dont think i was..i think it some strange way i was growing up,, i was making up for those years in college where i didnt give myself a chance to find out who i was...thats one big regret from college, that i didnt really live those years, that ididnt get a chance to experince the full college years,,so in way,, im living them now...
i need these 4 years to grow,,,shit happens in 4 years,, i watched my mom almost pass away a couple of times from her heart,, my brother moved on with his life, and now lives in another state,, my dog passed away,, all these things are either making me stronger, or slowy breaking me down..time will tell

so in short that convo with my boss really hit hard with me,, even though it was more a lite talk with them,, but they brought up some stuff that made me really think...

i think its time,, i think im ready now,, i wasnt ready to go out there straight out of college,, i thought i was.. i thought i was ready to take over the world,, but i wasnt.. i need time to really see who i was.. i mean for the past couple i was heavy involved with group of people,, a good group of people,, but i felt i grew up with them but at the same time i grew up in a bubble,, now i had to part ways with them,,reason being i needed my space,, i need to know who i was,,so how i can know what i want, when i dont even know who i was really,, i think in this past 4 years i gained some knowledge,, some small sight of the person that i am,...

so iam ready now,, im ready to fly again...i have people to prove wrong ,, most more improtant i have to keep the promises that i made to myself,, i have to prove to myself that i am greater then this....

contender

ahh the contender,, great fight last night, it was nice seeing network tv showing liv boxing..

and tonight ,, that last idol,,,, hope BO wins


god i became tv junkie,, what the hell happened??? LOL

yet another jump start LOL

I have to make use of this blog....

im gonna make a commitment to write in it everyday,, even if its just small thing, but make it a habit to write here.. ,,just to get ideas out of me,, a way of working thru things that happen to me etc..
cause really sometimes you just need someone to listen without them jamming there opinions down your throat, so one of the few places I have is this blog to do that..

im really re looking at my life and trying to see what's important.. one of the things im really miss, is having a mentor, having someone there to kinda guide u..

I had that in the past, but now at this point I have really no one to fall back on, to throw ideas to,, to be somewhat of a guide.

so it makes you feel like your out there alone,, even though there's friends and family who are there,, but everyone has to deal with there own lives, and I don't want to bog them down with stuff, sometimes frankly they dont really care.

im even looking at SCIENTOLOGY , see what they offer.. even though I made cracks about it in the past,, I saw this kinda special on it on TV, I was like at this point I`ll try anything,, and have an open mind on it, and see what it has to offer...

during my college days I went thru a born again phase, that even shocked me., I really burned my past and tried to start a new life with jesus, but it never took, I feel like I was lying to myself,, but im thankful I went thru that phase, because I felt I grew up alittle during that time..now i feel like i made a nice middle ground for myself,,,

so I`ll see what SCIENTOLOGY has to hold for me,, maybe something good

"No, nothing makes sense
Nothing seems to fit
I know you'd hit out
If you only knew who to hit
And I'd join the movement
If there was one I could believe in
Yeah I'd break bread and wine
If there was a church I could receive in
'cause I need it now"

-bono 1992

U2 concert

last night went with my cousin to the u2 show out in NJ
WOW what a concert,,,,and iv been to a couple of U2 shows ,, this one is up there...

it wasnt the best u2 show ive been to but it ranked up there..

i say the best u2 show was the one after 9/11 at MSG,, i cried at that one,, it was a show with so much emotion...

but i went with my boy,, U2 fans for life...

cant wait to see them in october again,, then in nov...

my friend called me a groupie,,,, so what ,, i cant help but love U2's music,, sometimes its the only thing that keeps me going

jump starting

im trying to jump start my life,, and its going pretty good..
im active in things again,, im re looking at my career...

trying to focus on what is improtant...

for too long i let things go idle,,, not anymore...

also that involves this blog.. i let myself down with the writting..