Her ashes

i got my dogs ashes back from the vet today... i went alone...

i was nervous going, i didnt know how i was going to react, ididnt know what to think..
so they handed me a bag with a tin can inside,, i said thanks and walked out.

i sat in my car for a few min, then opened the tin can,, there was plastic bag inside, tied with a twisty...they look like sand, with rocks,, concerte..

this is what my dog has become,,, i had mixed emotions,, i was most def. sad, but iwas weirded out by the fact that this was my dog,, this bag of sand and rock was the dog i cared about,, here in my hand..

im glad i came home with her ,, finally i got my dog home,, well part of her home,, what is left of her remains...

im still feeling numb about it,, im about to transfer her ashes to her urn, and i have to make a choice where to put it.. for now i`ll leave the urn in her bed,, till i find a nice small tabel for the corner in my apartment hallway, i`ll make sort of shrine there, with her photos, toys, etc....

i still dont know how to react still and im looking at them now.....

i miss her

this apartment never felt so empty...

but been trying to stay busy,, keep my mind active,, working,, trying to live somewhat a normal life,, taking it one day at a time

getting on with it

its been a busy week..

ive been catching up,, finishing,, starting projects that i have put on the back burner for too long..alot of the reasons why i did that was because i said,, ahhh i`ll do it tommorow...

since my dogs passing ive been doing alot of thinking about myself and about my life.

i have to realize that i dont have tommorow , that this might be my last day here on earth.. and its scares the shit of me... im scared to lose my mother, im scared to lose my whole family..
the other night i had a dream i lost my mother,, it was a nightmare....

but im not getting younger,, im close to 26,, i know thats still young but, its so much closer to 30... and when i hit 30 what will i say, on how i lived my life in my 20's... did i live it to the fullest... did i do what i set out to...

i have to do more...in every aspect in my life... too long have i sat down and watch life pass me...too long

theres a great line from shawshank redemption

get busy living , or get busy dying...

i think i want to live

got my dogs urn today

today i got from UPS my dogs urn, i think its beautiful...nice walnut tower case...
the engraving came out really good.so im happy..
now i have to wait for the ashes.....

ive been really burying myself into my work, im trying to make up for lost time..well thats how i feel... my dogs death really made me realize how short is life, and how my life is changing..

change to me was always scary, and its still is, and i think it always be...

but slowy im making a return to my life normal.....

rainbow bridge

i found this nice piece of writtng,, it brought a tear to my eye,,

Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...


----------------- :_-(

Urn Shopping

I just went online and bought a tower urn for my dogs ashes when they come in..

its a walnut wooden medium size tower.. with a spot to put her photo inside..
spent like an hour just trying to figure out what to say on the engraving..
so i chose
Denise Cassandra Robayo ( yes i know its alil weird that i gave her a full human name,,)
June 1,1991-April 11,2005
My Beloveded Dog
My True Friend

should be here in 3 days.. and the ashes in 10 days.. i wonder why the ashes take so long......

back at work

today is my first day back at work...

you walk and everyone tells you there sorry, this and that...it was nice to see they were kind about it...

at my desk, before my dog passed away, i put a picture up of my dog at my desk..so when i walked in,, her picture was there waiting for me.. it was nice to see...

today going home today will be hard,, i usually walk in, and start to call her name and she would come walking to me,, then follow me to my home office and so i can greet her, then she nudges me to the door to take her out.... i wont get that today....

i still say goodnight to her before i go to bed,, it helps me, and i say good morning,, and before i left to work today,, i said to her what i always say..."ok denise,, i see you after work ok,, take care of the house,, love you".. i said that today..it felt good..

god i sound like im whinning, but what else can i do at this stage,,....

its somewhat nice being at the office today,, i can get out of my apartment, and somewhat pretend that shes home waiting for me... dont know if thats right or not but..i know shes not home,, but i would like to think she is......

watching tv today

i took off from work today.... just couldnt go ....

it was nice reading some the comments left here on the blog.. sometimes you think your the only one feeling this..its nice to know that there are other people feeling or has felt what im feeling now...that i am not alone on this...

to be honest, being a guy,, i thought i can never break down like this,, ,i thought i had to be tough,,but i cant,, i have to let this out of me....

read an article today on askmen.com
and they had a line on how i feel "A fortunate man will experience true love twice in his life -- once with a woman, and once with a dog. Women come and go, but man's best friend is always there, until he dies."
its true,, people come and go.. but a dog is there till he or she dies...

------------------------

watching tv today ,, i caught some old shows like Knight Rider,,, i use to love watching this show when i was a kid... and i know this might sound gooey, but i related to the relantionship of KIT and Michael Knight in the show,, that car was always there for him..and always protected him....sort of like my dog...

-----i feel like im whinning all the time about my dog,, but right now ,,i think its helping somewhat

the day after

its the morning after..
my first morning with out her..my apartment never felt so empty...never sounded so quite.......
there no dog barking in the backyard,, no dog scraping at my door,, so wet nose to wake me up....
i passed by her bed this morning,, to say good morning, i like i always do..i filled up her water bowl...
i keep thinking that shes just outside,, and shes waiting to come back in..but when i open the door the backyard is as empty as the apartment....and my heart is even more empty.....
my mom sleep over last night on my sofa,, i thought it was a silly thing to do, but it helped, i didnt feel as alone....

con edsion came by this morning to read the meters, and rang the bell..now sometimes i wouldnt hear the bell , but the dog would, and she would start barking....there was no bark...sometimes that bark would annoy the hell out of me... but today its the only sound i wanted to hear...
if there was a way i can turn back time....i would... if theres a way i could make the pain go away....i would..

i miss you denise....im sorry.. i feel i have to say im sorry,, she looked at me before they took her...it was a look of sadness.... im sorry baby... im sorry...

a sad day

i write because at the moment thats all i can do....

i miss her so much,, it hurts so much just to think about her..and thats all i can think about..

did i do the right thing?? couldve i done something else to prevent this? was this her time to go??

when the vet askes you what u want to do.......i felt the world fall on my shoulders,,, here is this living creature,, my dog for 14 years ,,been on my side thru the thick and thin,,, and we just a nod of my head i can end her life...

the doctor asked if i wanted x-rays done or blood work to see if she can be treated... but that will delay what will finally happen...

i hope i did the right thing....

i have lost people in my life,, my first was my godfather, then my best friend from high school and then my cousin.... all have effected me bad...but this one is like all 3 rolled into one and then blown 100 times over....

she has been with me more then half my life.. im not use to coming home and not having her greet me at the door after work,, or wake up me up in the morning cause she wants to go outside...
i wont hear her steps in my hallway no more as i eat dinner and she wants to try to get a piece of food for herself....no more trips to petco and spoiling her with nice little gifts.....

theres a empty void in my heart now...its so heavy and so deep.... im trying to look into the future ,,trying to see how my life will be like,, but for right now all i see is a life without my baby....

denise

i just want to make a formal email, so i don't have to keep repeating myself...

but at 1140am on April 11,2005

my dog of 14 years has passed away........

she has been suffering this past week,, she had neck problems, with a possible disc slip ,, her back legs were giving out, she had a tumor under her belly that was bleeding and she has not eaten in over 2 days...

it was a tough decision, one of the toughest ive made...but I could no longer have her suffering , and dying slowly here in my apartment....

I can say I enjoyed my life with her,,,I had her since I was 11 years old... I got her only 2 weeks old,.. and had to feed her milk by bottle for a month... she was sort of the runt of the litter.unwanted by her mother.... but we took her in and what a dog she became..one of the best dogs i ever had


shes been with me all thru high school and college,, shes been a true friend to me... and I can only look back at her with fond memories ...

I cant believe that she really is gone...... but parts of me is glad that she is no longer suffering as she has been this past week and most of all this weekend, as was one of the hardest I have been thru...

I want to thank you all for anyone who has spent time with her


RIP
DENISE CASANDRA ROBAYO
6/1/91-4/11/05

waiting around

i skipped work today, so i can take my dog to the vet...

i called early this morning,, tried to put forth to them that this is an emercgency type of situation, but earliest i can come in is 11am..

so now im sitting around waiting till around 10-1015 to start attempts to get the dog in the car, which is what i dread the most.....

right now i feel numb,, i dont know how to feel,, i dont know how to react...

it was weird last night, she actually seemed somewhat normal,, she moved alittle faster and walked around the apartment... and this morning she got up walked around outside...so thats making it even harder for me to talk her....

i dont know what the doctor is gonna say, im dreading the worst.. i know whats shes going to say,, that denise has met her time and she has to be put down....as i write those words,, numbness is taking over me.,.. i dont want to think..

i feel like im going thru the motions here,, i see myself doing this, but i have distant look at it..... tough to explain...

so i just sit here and wait.... each min that passes seems like 100 mins have passed...

i cant it anymore

spending all day saturday in the house with my dying dog, i think took a few years away from my life...im about to have a nervous breakdown....all day,, ever half hour,, i have a bout of crying..

all that over a dog????

you can say that,,, but till you had a dog,, a true friend, whos been at your side for 14 years, then you will understand the pain that im going thru,,,, this is like watching my own fmaily member die slowly in front of you,,and yes she is like a family memember,, you dont have a dog for 14 years and not let it be a family memeber.

so monday morning im calling the vet, and bringing her in.....

i dont know what the outcome will be,,, the best would be they remove the tumor and she can live fine for another 1 year or 2..
the worst, that i go there with her,, but i dont return with her, ever....

i really cant let go of her,, people are telling me she had a good life,, that you have to let go,,, but its one of the hardest things to do..

im gonna leave the house today,, and try to enjoy this nice day, if i stay another day here, i think im gonna go crazy,, and im so serious about that.. yesterday was a day i dont want to live again....it was so bad i had to take a sleeping pill just to get to bed,, because i was shaking so much..........

no matter how hard to will be to take her to her vet,, i have to do it,, if her best friend,,her father, then i have to do this for her, i cant let her live like this.....
will i get over this?? the way i feel right now,, no,, this effect me big time,, and believe it has,,

my heart hurts

my heart hurts , is the best i can explain it..

so many things are coming all at me at once, and this is not new,,but my dog makes it hard for me to do other things..

shes suffering, so in turn, so am i...

i suppose to go out today,, and i am, but to be honest, im really forcing myself to go out.. but at the same time i dont want to home because i have to deal with a dying dog..yes i come to the fact that she will pass on.. i dont know when,, parts of me want it to be soon, so she will not have to suffer any longer,, but the young boy me, wants her to stay with me forever...

i want to go play ball with her one last time, i want to throw the ball and her to run and catch it..

i can close my eyes and see her runnig around like she use to...
i will miss that..

i dont know what will happen if i lose her,, if,,i keep saying if,,you see , im denying it still, i want her to be happy, i want her back the way she was

watching her sleep

i went to say goodnight to my dog,,
and there she was sleeping,, and it looked like she was dreaming..
so i just went to refill her water bowl, and watched her sleep...

she was moving her legs,, hoffing and puffing, i can only imagine what she was dreaming about..

maybe she was dreaming she was running upstate,, thru the woods, splashing at the pond,, chasing the crickets,, like she use to..

man thinking about those things get me sad,, i know i can now never do those things with her again,,

the last time i went upstate with her, was last spring, and sad to say that was going to be her last time there too... the trip it self was too much to for her to handle,, especially now, it would be too much...

so i hope she has wonderful dreams tonight,, sleep well my baby...

i know our time together on this earth is coming to close..

i just want to tell you that you have been one of greatest friends to me that i could ever have..you were always there to greet me,, you protected me so many times..you watched over at night, slept by my door as to much no one came by...

all i have thanks for you,, i owe you alot.. and i will never forget you,,

still dont know

my dog is somewhat better,, but age has taken the life out of her.

when i came home,, she came up to me, but with walk like shes a 90 year old woman,,, and im sure shes close to that age in dogs years,, well i checked online, shes about 70 years old..

im thinking about the ultimate outcome on this,, everyday putting her to sleep seems so much closer..she starting to look shes in pain.. she follows me around the apt, as to tell me ,, help me...

last night i was hearing walking around the apt,, out of breath, she just kept walking and walking,, but all i wanted to do was just close my eyes and hope that all that she was going thru would go away..
but she finally settled in front of door and slept there the rest of the night.

if she was a smaller dog,, and i was able to pick her up without hurting her i would take her to the VET to get her opinion,.... its just that, picking her up was always hard..and im not sure if i can take that trip to the vet with her.. the feeling of IM KILLING HER comes over me.. but then again,, me letting her suffer like this is sometimes harder..i dont want to come home from work now,, i want to stay out, so as not to deal with what shes going thru,, like if i dont see it,, then its not a problem,, which is not good,, i have to face this,,but i dont know,, i just dont know

slow improvement

i bought my dog today some joint pills and apsirin for her pains... it seems to be working,, she up today walking around the apartment... shes walking slow,, but i cant expect to much from anymore... but i hope she can at least get up to eat her food and go outside in the back yard....

if she is die,,i want her to die at him , in her bed, in peace...i dont want to drive her to the vet to have her put down,, then i would feel like im killing her...

so lets see if this pain medication works ,and helps ease her pain..

u might read this and say,, but shes just a dog..

shes not to me,, shes my daughter more like,, i had her for 14 years,, thats like half my life ,, i got her when i was 11... so shes been there, thru it all for me...

i know shes old, and she will die someday,, all i ask lord is for her to go in peace, in her bed, at her home.

im scared

im really am scared.
i think my dog is on her last legs..i had this dog since 1991,, she was only a couple of weeks old.... i had to feed with a bottle since she was so young,,,,.you dont know how hard it is for me to write this.,,, icant believe its actually might happen,, that she might actually pass away..

she has not gotten out of her bed,, for almost 2 days,, has not eaten her food or drank her water.

she has a huge growth under breast,, i think it might be affecting her,, the only thing is, its so hard for her to go to the vet, since she has trouble walking,, hard for to get up the stairs,, into and out of the car...

i dont know what to do..

im becoming heart broken,,, this morning i was begging her to get up and go outside..

god please dont let her leave me,, i dont know what i`ll do with out her,,please god,, please,,dont take my baby from me,,, please,,,,please oh my god im begging you,,not now,,not at this time

another weekend has gone by

another weekend has gone by....

what did i really acomplhised???

i didnt do half the things i really wanted to... dont get me wrong, i did alot...u would think i had a second job here,,, but there wasnt enough time in the day to finish it all..

of course i was captured by the tv with the popes passing.. its history in the making,, i dont know how many times i will see this in my life time,, the death of a pope, and the appt of a new pope...

but monday is coming along, and i got a whole new week, to make up for what i didnt do last week....

im started to use my pocket pc again,,, scheduling my time again,, i feel better...

i dont know really why i stopped using it,, i guess it got old,, but now that im using it,, i really noticed how much i need my time mapped out for me....

now the new threat here,,, TAX TIME.,,, i just got my tax return back from my account,, and im not happy with it.,.. im gonna re check it online with turbo tax see of its right

YAHWEH

the pope has died,, and im sad.... for many reasons...

lets face it, im not the best catholic in the world,,i dont go to church,, but i still believe,,

but my mother was out of the her apartment while the news hit the he had passed and i told her upon her return...

she fell into my arms and started to cry,,,, as if one our relatives has pasted..it feels like that..

so all i can do was hold her, and say it`ll be alright


so i sing:

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
----------
I waited patiently for the lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He lift me up out of the pit
Out of the mire and clay

I will sing, sing a new song

POPE

im reading on yahoo news that the pope is very ill..

now im not the best catholic in the world,, but it does sadden me a bit,,, i wasnt sad when the lady from florida died,, with the feeding tube, i didnt really care to be honest.. i feel bad i didnt care,, but i didnt know her,,and she got this way because of her self, she blimic and she caused her self to get a stroke of some kind... but anyway,,, the pope is different,,, hes the pope i grew up with catholic school...... the pope they talked about on sunday mass......hes the only pope i knew........ sometimes in the spainsh community hes considered the nearest to god....

so i`lll say alittle prayer for him,, wear my rosery,.. and hope for the best... but i dont think the pope will be with us long....

CHESS

chess has taken over my life for the time being...

help me,,, im becoming such a nerd... funny thing is that i lost every god damn game that i started playing when i took it up,, i almost won one last night...

i just have to practice,,, i downloaded a chess game into my pocket pc so i can play at work....

god i need help....